A post about strength, resilience, setbacks, comebacks and perspective.

Well, I was training. I was doing really well and then, suddenly, I wasn't. My whole training plan and goals and dreams of doing really well in triathlons were dashed when I saw the X-Ray of my spine that looked like an unnatural S, and saw that my back had an unnatural curve in my neck and mid back from the side. In my boyfriend's words it looked 'messed up' and felt just as bad as it looked. I was looking so hard for something else to be causing the pain that I didn't see this coming. 

I was immediately upset because of the shock value associated with seeing your spine shaped like an 'S.' It's really unnatural and just hurts to look at. Like, are you sure thats my back? Then, the additional strain of everything else sunk in. I still have some unsolved symptoms and have more doctors appointments set up to deal with all of that. It takes a lot of time and energy to deal with all of these appointments and ailments and its not like these things are free. And also, it's disappointing. It's really disappointing to finally summon enough courage to set goals again after a ten year athletic hiatus only to have it all cut short after barely starting. Don't get me wrong, I understand this diagnosis isn't an end-all and its not anything severe or life threatening - I am lucky for that. But that's how all of my diagnoses are - annoying and pesky and a forever thing. After a while I come around after a brief visit to Pityville, pick myself up, and move forward. It just gets exhausting after doing it so many times - you start to lose faith. Faith in what? I don't know how to answer that very well, but my faith in me is dwindling. I have started feeling broken, feeling like I am being tested. I wonder if any of my body systems actually work as advertised or if I am all just like, broken pieces. I am just really upset that I started to work for something, allowed myself to get way too excited and go after it with enthusiasm and passion to find this out. I know it couldn't have been prevented but come on, right now!? I was having fun, and now, all races are off the schedule, goals are withdrawn and I am siting on the couch afraid of how much weight I am sure to gain while I eat my feelings. 

Obviously, I thought about this over the last few days as I sat with my achy pain pretty much all day. I have been here before, I thought, too many times probably. I know how to pick myself up just fine. I get creative in how I help myself; I know I can't bike or run, but I can just swim that much more. Can't race? I can go camp and hike. This doesn't have to be an end all, just another thing to overcome. I envision like, these rocks that symbolize injuries and events to overcome being thrown at me over and over again and with those skills I learned in elementary school dodgeball days I jump, dodge and weave my way through the game of life. This is another test in my resilience, in my ability to see another obstacle through to the end and a reminder to always keep perspective. There are far worse things than a bent spine to deal with in life and I am confidant that I can easily handle this pest of a diagnosis. There have been moments in all of my injuries (and still are) where I want to fall down to my knees (or right now, kind of one-legged balance down to a kneed stance) and shake my fists at the sky for my insanely bad luck. Lost careers, too many doctors visits and lots of tears but this is where our true strength comes from. It's easy to be on it and feel on top of the world when things are going your way but true character is grown in trying times. When our way of life and future as we know it is tested. So, bring it on spine.

My plan for the summer has now changed a bit. Instead of heavy training I now have more time to spend with family and get to sleep in. I'll probably still eat lots of food and laugh so loud you can hear me from a block away, so not a lot is changing. Not in the grand scheme of things, anyways. 

Oh, but if you see me, remind me to sit/stand up tall. Gotta work on that posture now more than ever! 

And in the spirit of strength I want to share one of my most favorite poems, even if it is really cheesy: 

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

-William Ernest Henley 

Your unconquered friend, 

Megan